Planting Weeds

This week has been a long one. I decided to do something about the front yard. I was tired of grumbling about the mass of weeds that was taking over. I was sick of feeling like it wasn't worth the effort to get rid of the weeds since my neighbors have a jungle of weeds and waist high grass that will just keep sending weeds my way. But, it was time to take action.

On Monday I spent a couple of hours pulling weeds while Adrian was at school, Jonathan "helped" and Reagan played in her exersaucer. It was a workout for sure! I had to access muscles I rarely use to get things back in shape. When Adrian came home from school he said "it looks good, but wouldn't it be nice if instead of weeds only pretty flowers grew?" I thought about that one.

On Tuesday I told Jonathan we were going to work some more on pulling weeds. He got really excited and pulled on his little work gloves and played in the dirt. After a little bit he simply said, "mommy, I love planting weeds with you." I thought about that one, too.

Then Tuesday afternoon I got one of those phone calls you never hope to get. I found out that my cousin had decided that he was done with life and ready for it to be over. He had passed away in his home earlier that day.

My initial reaction was shock. How could something like this happen? Why would this be the choice? The tears were flowing as I listened to details and information that seemed to be so hollow and unreal.

I prayed for peace and comfort for my sweet Aunt and Uncle who no longer had their son to hold. I wept for his siblings who were still trying to be rounded up and informed. I ached for all of his family and friends left behind on this earth.

The first thing that came to my mind were some words to a primary song I was able to sing at a baptism a few months ago. It is only one part of the song, but it keeps coming back to me.

Wrapped in the arms of my Savior's love, I feel His gentle touch. Living each day, I will follow His way, Home to my Father above.

A tender mercy I am sure.

As the hours have passed and reasons why are being grasped for--I am drawn back to the little lessons my children were teaching me.

Life is hard. Weeds grow spontaneously all around us. Sometimes those weeds have shallow roots even though the plant is huge. Sometimes those weeds are small plants with a root that never seems to end. We each have weeds to battle in our lives. Some of these problems seem huge, but are really very shallow and easily dealt with. Some of the issues we struggle with appear small on the outside, but really go much deeper than anyone could guess. Why do these weeds grow so quickly? Are some of them planted by us or are they all a result of seeds blowing in the wind? When Adrian asked if it would be better to have only flowers growing on their own my first response may have been yes. After all, I was sore and tired from pulling all those stinking weeds! But, when I think about it I know I would answer "NO." If I hadn't worked so hard to pull all those weeds I wouldn't appreciate the results I can now stand back and admire. I wouldn't have the confidence to face the bigger battle of our back yard in the coming days.

How do I get my own children to understand that life is full of hard things, but we can do those hard things? Why do some find it too hard to do? How do those of us left behind find the strength to go on and keep doing it?

The flowers.

For every flower I have planted in my yard I must have pulled at least a dozen weeds out first. I worked for it and now have a beautiful flower to stand back and admire. Life is all about finding and holding on to those beautiful parts.

As I snuggled my babies at bedtime tonight, I kept thinking how these were the moments that mattered. When I get down on myself for not being or doing enough I need to remember that it is more important for me to spend time with my children than for me to have a sink with no dishes in it and floors free of crumbs. It is more important for me to be here for my children than for me to have money for all the "extras" that aren't really needs. These moments of true happiness and joy that we get to experience are what makes life worth living.

My hope from all of this is that we each work harder to make someone else feel loved. To plant flowers for others and, if needed, help others pull out the weeds.

My cousin, for whatever reason, didn't have enough help. We could spend hours analyzing who or what could have been different, but in the end he is still gone. For him, I now have to rely on the faith I have that he is now wrapped in the arms of his Savior's love. That he has now found the relief from his earthly sorrows. I wish I could have done more for him, known him better, had more time......I'm sure I am not the only one.