Our Happy Reality

I feel like my life the last several months has been somewhat of a dream. In all honesty I have been living somewhere between pessimism and hope for so long that so much of reality has seemed not really real. For a couple of years we have felt like it was time to add to our family again. At first it was the attitude of "when it happens it will happen and we will be so excited for it." After a few months of that then there starts to be a little bit of wonder...then you find out you are expecting! Unfortunately, that secret joy and anticipation only lasts a short while before you start to know that something is wrong. When you go in for an ultrasound only to have a nurse then comment afterwards "well, as I'm sure you are aware this is not a normal pregnancy" your world stops. All of the sudden this child you were anticipating becomes reduced to a mass of cells that is implanted in your ovary...not viable in any way and a possible danger to your life. What followed were months of pain, frustration, blood draws, ultrasounds, and a chemotherapy treatment you never thought you would be having. I'd had a miscarriage before at 12 weeks, but this was so much harder than that. After finally getting the all clear and then being told that it would be okay to try again you try not to get your hopes too high. Then a couple months later you get the positive and a glimmer of hope comes back in your life. Appointments are scheduled for blood draws since you are now at higher risk for another ectopic pregnancy. But, a few weeks later the loss happens again. I tell myself that there must have been something wrong and my body was just doing it's job, but that doesn't necessarily make it any easier.

In March when I got another positive it was hard for me to get too excited about it. My emotions were so confusing! I wanted to be pregnant, but I was scared to get too attached to the idea again. As the days and weeks passed I would go back and forth on whether or not I believed that this could be real. Every doctors appointment I waited for the moment when there would be something wrong...and there never was. As I got closer to the time of my 20 week ultrasound Andrew and I started having the debate on whether or not to find out the gender of this little one or wait until birth. We have all the stuff from Jonathan and Reagan so we won't really need much to be ready for baby, but we all know that I am a pinterest addict and find stuff on there all the time that I must do. We decided to go ahead and have a "gender reveal" party and find out with some of our family and friends what this little one will be. At the ultrasound I had them put the revealing pictures in a sealed envelope and I looked away from the screen like a good girl.

The kids have had very strong opinions about the gender of this baby from the moment we told them the news. Adrian and Luke really wanted another little sister, Jonathan insisted he needed a little brother, and Reagan demanded a little sister. It was actually pretty funny how Reagan and Jonathan would fight over it...like either of them have any real say or control in the matter! Eventually Jonathan came around to the position that he would like a little brother but "I guess I will still like it if it is a girl."

Reagan, however, was adamant that it would be a girl. What will you do if it is a boy? I would ask her and she would just smile and sweetly say "I will just hate it." or "I will just run away, but I will come back when you make it be a girl." On our way to the party I explained to Reagan that we were going to see pictures that would show whether baby has girl parts or boy parts and we can't change it. She simply said "I hope it only has a butt." (As you can imagine she has a very limited understanding of anatomy!) 

As we were preparing to find out our baby's gender I kept saying to Andrew "this is really real." Having a gender for this little one makes it real to me. I know this is weird, but up until now I haven't really felt like it was real or that I could get my hopes up that everything would be okay. Everyone else knew that it was real though! I have the sweetest most amazing friends who threw such a fun little party--I'm sure it was very hard for Heidi and Arisa to know the gender and not be able to say anything to anyone!

When we got there everyone was supposed to vote for what they thought the baby would be.

I actually was torn because I was thinking I want it to be a girl, but I really think it is a boy. Reagan would have killed me if I put my vote down for boy though so that helped me pick a column. 

 We had a big box filled with balloons waiting for us to unwrap and find out the gender.

 Andrew was much more shocked to see the blue than I!

 It's a boy!

I don't have a picture of her face, but the only way to describe Reagan's reaction is shell-shock. She seriously pouted and kept saying "it is a boy. I am running away." In the end I gave her a box of Mike and Ikes and told her that they were from the baby. At first she seemed skeptical because "how did he get them?" She seemed to like the idea of a little brother who gives her treats though. I have a few months to get her over her dislike for the idea of a little brother, but I think I can win her over!

Watch out world, come November 2013 there will be another male Stott on the loose.