Something to Remember

I don't normally discuss situations with my boys' bio-moms on this blog, but Adrian taught me a lesson last week and I want to remember it for the future.

Adrian's bio-mom has been living in Alaska since September 2009 and the only contact he has had with her is the occasional phone call. We've tried to encourage other forms, but this seems to be the only one that ever happens. Anyways, a couple months back Adrian found out that his bio-mom is pregnant again and expecting a baby in August. Currently his youngest sibling through her just turned one at the end of April and he hasn't seen him since last August. At first Adrian was really excited to be a big brother again, but slowly over time his excitement has died down and a sense of reality has set in. This baby will be his bio-mom's 5th child and each child has a different father--a couple of the fathers she has married and since divorced, but mostly not. So, with that background here is the lesson Adrian taught me last week:

Adrian was talking to his bio-mom on the phone and asked her about the baby (is it a boy or girl, what will you name him, etc.) when I heard him say "wait, are you not married to **** anymore?... Oh, no, you didn't tell me that....well, I should probably go since I need to start getting ready for bed." (This was like an hour before he normally gets ready for bed by the way.) When he got off the phone he seemed a little upset so I gave him a few minutes and then had the following conversation with him:

"How's your mom and your brothers doing?"

"Good, I guess."

"Did I hear you saying your mom is having a boy?"

"Yes, his name is going to be ***** ******."

"Oh, that's a nice name. Is he being named for someone?"

"Yes, his middle name is his dad's name."

"Really? I thought your mom's husband's name was ****."

"Ya, well, I guess they broke up. My mom says that she doesn't think she will be getting married ever again, she will just have boyfriends from now on."

(Side note--pluralized???? You mean you are having a child with another person you aren't sure about???)

"Oh, that's interesting. What do you think about that?"

"Well, I guess I am just confused. It seems like when you get married you are supposed to be getting married to the person you want to be with forever. I feel like when people are married to each other they shouldn't just break up if they have a fight. You should just forgive each other and move on."

"Is that what happened? They had a fight?"

"She said she got mad at him so she broke up with him. That's what she said when she broke up with **** (her previous husband) too."

"You are right Adrian, when husbands and wives disagree with each other it doesn't mean they shouldn't be together. It is okay to disagree, but you have to work hard to stay together forever."

"Just like you and Dad?"

"Well, we try. What do you think you are going to do when you are older?"

"I am only going to get married one time. And if my wife--you know, the girl I marry--starts to do things that are inappropriate in front of the children then I will have to kindly let her know that she is not the one for me."

"Well, Adrian you should make sure she is the one for you before you marry her. Although, sometimes people change later and you can't control that, but you should make sure you know her really well before you get married and especially before you have children."

"Sounds like it will be a big choice!"

After this Adrian went about his business and didn't bring it up again. (Still trying to figure out what his future wife could possibly do to be "inappropriate in front of the children?" Kids are so funny!) I thought about this conversation a lot since we had it. Obviously our kids notice when we disagree and I know that it is okay for Andrew and I to disagree, but I wonder if there is a better way to go about handling it then I do now...Will my kids grow up to think we "fought" all the time, or will they recognize that it is healthy to disagree and compromise and work together? I want my children to grow up and feel comfortable using my relationship with my husband as a guide for their own marriages. I pray every day that the influences of the world will not be able to overpower my children. That the things they know to be true and right today will be the same in the future. I want them to know that I have a very strong testimony about the law of chastity and the value of virtue, as well as a knowledge of the atonement, repentance, and forgiveness. We all make mistakes, but how do we keep our children from repeating some of our own? Are they destined to have to make them for themselves? Even though past mistakes will always be present in the very existence of my older boys, I hope they always know what's best and strive for it. The family is ordained of God. Children have the right to be born to a father and mother who are married and will always work on staying married. I am so grateful that we have a loving Father in Heaven who loves us despite the stupid things we may have done or might do in the future. I pray everyday that my children will grow up knowing who they are, where they came from, why they are here, and where they are going.