Living the Abundant Life

Last month I was reading an article in the Ensign magazine from January 2012.  It was the message from our beloved prophet, Pres. Monson.  The article was entitled "Living the Abundant Life."  Ever since I read it I have been thinking a lot about the message and how it applies to my own life and my own personal trials.  The message is how to gain the abundant life by living 3 basic principles (the ABC's): have a positive attitude, believe in yourself, and face challenges with courage.  What stuck out most to me were these:

Charles Swindoll--author, educator, and Christian pastor--said: "Attitude, to me, is more important than...the past...than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.  It will make or break a company, a church, a home.  The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day."

Believe in yourself, in those around you, and in eternal principles.

Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, "I'll try again tomorrow."

My experiences this past month are not totally unique to me.  Thousands of others have similar stories and unfortunately, thousands more will someday be included.

Last month we found out that we were expecting another baby to join our family.  We were trying for this, but I was still a little shell shocked at the reality of another child to care for and divide my attention and love between.  But, I quickly realized that my attention and love are not compartmentalized and that when you have children you learn that your capacity for love grows exponentially.  About a week after finding out we were pregnant I started to feel odd.  I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but I knew something wasn't right.  Since I had lost a baby at 12 weeks before being blessed with Jonathan I am always a little paranoid and chalked it up to that.  

A couple days after hitting the 6 week mark I started to have some bleeding and cramping.  The bleeding wasn't much, but the cramps became intense.  The next day on my lunch break I headed over to my OB's office and got started on what turned into days of tests and a roller coaster I would never like to repeat.  Following an ultrasound the last thing you want to hear is: "well, this is definitely not a normal pregnancy."  The initial fears and concerns were for an ectopic pregnancy.  More than anything I was terrified.  Once the shock wore off I realized that I just wanted to go home--the cramping had reached a point close to where I was with kidney stones 4 years ago.  Thankfully I work with a fabulous group of people that without hesitation figured out how to cover my schedule of patients and I went home.

The worst part of this whole process was the not knowing.  Being told we have to wait 48 hours and do more tests before we can move forward, is not an easy thing to process for someone like me who likes to be in control all the time and know exactly what to expect.  I knew that I was being useless to my family, but the outpouring of love and support from family and the few friends I had confided in was amazing.  That first night at home I was able to have my husband and my father give me a priesthood blessing that I know helped me.  All I feel able to share is that this blessing provided me with the peace of mind and the strength to handle what I was going through, both physically and emotionally.

After more tests my OB called with the news that this turned out to be a "normal" miscarriage and not an ectopic pregnancy.  At first I was so relieved to not have it be more serious than a "normal" miscarriage that I felt pretty good.  I would be lying if I said it was easy...there were definitely nights that I cried myself to sleep, but then I read this article.

I realized several things that I already knew and just needed to be reminded of.  I have the power over how I respond to things.  I choose the attitude that I face each situation with and that I could choose to be angry and get stuck dwelling on this loss or I could choose to allow that hurt to leave me and focus on all the things I have been blessed with.  I have 4 beautiful children that need me still!  I know that I am able to have children and that in and of itself is something to be grateful for.  I need to remember, have faith, and believe in eternal principles.  Our family has been sealed to be together for eternity!  Heavenly Father is aware of me, loves me, and loves each member of my family.  I find myself thinking more about how amazing it is that my body is able to not only conceive and bear children, but also able to recognize when something isn't developing correctly and then take steps to overcome that.  I ask myself: would I rather deal with this temporary pain or with the possibility of having some other complications with long-term/life-long ramifications?  God is great and good; His mercy is endless and I have no doubt that His plan is in play right now.  But, even though this may sound brave and full of strength, that's not how I feel all the time.  I cling tightly to the idea that having courage is saying "I'll try again tomorrow," for that is how I feel every night.